Well. Sometimes the hardest part in letting God work is to let go. For the last few days I have been in a mixed state between angry, anxious and confused. I know that God will provide a way for June, but I'm just not the type of person who can just calm down, stay put and let go. I'm more like an action man. So instead of just praying and giving it all, I offered to teach June every afternoon. The original plan was for me to teach her for a week from this Monday to Sunday, and she was going to take the TOEFL on next Monday. But then the plan rolled to another path.

Instead of next Monday, she was to take it on this Friday [yesterday]. I was very afraid that she was not going to pass. Because I haven't been able to teach her that much. On Monday, she said she haven't read the materials yet so she wants to learn by herself. Okay. On Tuesday, I can't teach her on her house (because there was no one else there) so we had to move to a cafe to study. On Wednesday, I taught her on her house, but not too much. On Thursday, she was too tired to study and she wanted to study by herself on the night. Okaaay... so how the heck was she supposed to pass with that kind of minimal study? (though I know if God wants, she can).

I was in a mixture of stress and depression. Finally, when I knew that this TOEFL test is being held for free, I decided to join in. The reason were because I don't want to wait in the car 2.5 hours doing nothing, and I wanted to know how hard was the test, so I can estimate how high she would reach. So I accompanied her to the test and took the test too. Before the test though, she said that I should sit next by her so she could copy my answers. I told her that it's not good, but it's not for me to decide, because it's her future that is at stake, and I ask her to think about it and decide. It's her future after all. So she prayed, and took the test with me and her friend.

Today, the results came in. I got 657 (higher than my previous 640) and she got 537 (passed that 500 mark!). She admitted that she copied about 18 answers (out of 140) from my answer sheet. She thinks about it and I said that she passed because of me, not God, and this is maybe me taking God's glory and work. Although I wanted to take part in this and I wanted to be able to act and do something, this just feels unright for me. But what if she didn't copy? Maybe she wouldn't pass (her friend got 457, she didn't copy from me). But yes, the path has been chosen, the decision has been taken. Her future is in her own hands, and she has decided where she would go.

A dillematic question to answer:   Can we work in the ways of unjust evil to bring a good cause of things?


••• Saturday, January 17, 2004 •••