Since I last posted in here. Ever since The Outcasts Community was opened, I can't stop posting there and I lost all of my passion for blogging. Other than that, I really have nothing to say here since I stopped experiencing the relationship with Him. I have not been into heartfelt praying nor reading the Bible since about two or three weeks ago. It just felt very dry that I do not have any more passion to delve deeper into seeking Him. I know that this is not good, but I just cannot push myself hard enough to go back beyond this barrier of barren plains that's preventing me from coming back to where I was. I just cannot ignite the flame that was inside me, it has died.

         And I just do not know if He is angry with me. Last week my brother was infected with fever that he had to go to hospital for treatment, but he is okay right now. But just yesterday, my father got a typhus infection and he has to stay in bed for three days the least. And the one day when I pushed myself to read the Bible, what I got shocked me. It was Joshua 7, the story where Israel were defeated by Ai because of Achan's sins. Have I brought affliction to my entire family because I have strayed from the Lord? Is this all because of me? Is He a God that will bring affliction to my entire family because I failed to follow Him? I do not know... I just do not know...

      What I know is that I cannot stay in this condition any longer. I must push myself, I must try to reach Him. I am in the desert right now. If I do not walk I will die. If I walk, maybe I will find the oasis, maybe I will not, but still, it is better than just staying around in one place and waiting for a certain death to come. I will survive. I must survive.


••• Thursday, March 04, 2004 •••